


Trust

by kamikatzenmama



Series: My Seba Diary [7]
Category: Marvel RPF, Real Person - Fandom, Sebastian Stan - Fandom, Winter Soldier RPF
Genre: Cheating, Crying, Diary, F/M, Feelings, Fighting, Heartache, In Love, In love with Sebastian Stan, Love, My Seba Diary, Sad bad feelings lead to sad bad entries, imagine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-02
Updated: 2014-07-02
Packaged: 2018-02-07 04:34:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1885332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamikatzenmama/pseuds/kamikatzenmama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My Seba Diary Entry<br/>(Short impressions of being in love with Seba Stan.)</p><p>"But it's the truth!" he said, looking at me helplessly.<br/>"Yah, you looked really unhappy to kiss that woman." I tried not to cry yet, but my voice was trembling. <br/>He shook his head and turned away. I pulled my arms around myself.<br/>Always, when I felt that bad, I would have put myself into his arms. But that wasn't possible...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trust

 

"But it's the truth!" he said, looking at me helplessly.   
"Yah, you looked really unhappy to kiss that woman." I tried not to cry yet, but my voice was trembling.   
He shook his head and turned away. I pulled my arms around myself.  
Always, when I felt that bad, I would have put myself into his arms. But that wasn't possible.   
  
I wished, I wouldn't have come home earlier. I always have these bad timing thingies. It must be a kind of superpower that I had.  
I love things that I don't know. Because they don't hurt.  
He ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head.  
"Do you want me to lie? Shall I tell you that I cheated on you? That I slept with her? Do you wanna hear that?" he looked at me and I swallowed.   
  
To hear that out loud, out of his mouth, even if it's meant sarcastically and not true, those words went right through me. I couldn't read his eyes. That kinda scared me. I didn't know if I could trust him. I hated myself for that. And now that feeling made me cry. I shook my head and looked to the ground.  
"I don't know, Seba." it did hurt, to say his name. He sighed.  
"I don't know what else to do or to say. It makes no sence, if you don't trust me." his voice sounded hurt and so sad. I sighed and almost choked because of my tears.   
  
He sat down on the couch and shook his head again.  
"It is not easy to compete against of all your doubts." he said, his voice sounded dispirited.  
  
This time I didn't have the feeling, that everything would be okay once again. . .

 

~~~~~~~

 

I would've loved, that everything would be okay. If only this feeling wouldn't be, that it never will be good again. That feeling, that this time it is an end.   
I guess I didn't deserved it at all. Who even was I. I had always wondered anyway, why he wanted to get to know me. And then also to be with me.  
But now all this didn't matter anymore. I probably had ruined everything anyway, with my Bad Timing Skills, my doubts, and my inability to trust.  
We haven't seen each other for days. Days full of emptiness and nights full of tears. To see pictures from him on the internet, didn't made it any easier.   
  
As I came home, he leaned against my front door. I was so glad to see him and would've loved to jump round his neck. But also I would've liked to start crying and just turn around and run away.   
But my day had been long, I hadn't slept the night before, just cried and was broken and tired. So I went, my gaze downwards, to my front door. Trying, not to look at him, what right away brought tears into my eyes.  
Sebastian pushed away slightly from the door as I approached him.  
"Hey." his voice sounded worried.  
"Hey." I mumbled back, while I was looking in my bag for my keys.  
I didn't find it.  
I sighed and shook my head. There they were again, my Bad Timing Skills.   
Suddenly Seba pulled me into his arms, I hadn't even noticed that I had started to cry.  
He rocked me slowly back and forth. And it felt so good. For a moment, as if nothing ever happend. 

But everything was still unclear. And so I freed myself, reluctantly, from his arms.   
I had howled his shirt wet and stroked just from reflex over that place. He grabbed my hand and held it. I didn't looked at him.  
"Why are you here." I asked, and had almost no voice. He took my hand to his face and kissed it.  
"I've missed you." I would've liked to reply, he should just go to his new girlfriend. But even just to think that, was hard enough.  
I just shook my head and pulled my hand back from him and sat down on the small garden wall outside my door. Seba sat down beside me.  
For a while we were just silent. Then he sighed loudly.  
"I'm sorry. Also that I became loud. I didn't want to be like that. But I felt so helpless. Because it really wasn't like it looked. I realize, that this is the stupidest excuse ever, but it's the truth." he said, his voice sounded hurt. He looked at his hands. "Please. Please believe me that." he pleaded softly.   
I swallowed. I didn't want to hear all that, I didn't wanna know and never want to see anything anymore in front of my inner eye.   
I wanted to believe him. I really wanted to. I wanted him with me. I missed him so much. But what about next time.  
With my Bad Timing Skills I was sure, more such moments would come, and I wouldn't endure that.

I sighed hopelessly and sad.   
"I can't stand that. All these images in my head." I said rather to my hands.  
Seba stood up and squatted in front of me. He took my hands and made eye contact. I didn't want to, but now when I looked into his blue eyes, I saw him again. My Seba. And I was glad to see him.  
"These images aren't real." he said and shook his head slightly. I pulled my eyebrows together.  
"You kissed her." I whispered.  
"She kissed me. And I stopped her."  
"Because I interrupted you." He twisted his mouth, shook his head and sighed.  
"Did I ever, EVER, do something that stupid to hurt you? I always try to keep you safe, from all that - let us call it - bad pictures. I want - so bad - you to be happy." he smiled at me encouragingly and went on.  
"I know how sensitive you are. Know how often you were hurt in your past. Know, that you have major problems to trust. But I've always tried to show everything to you, that you can trust ME. In everything I do, I'm also thinking of you. I had so hoped to be able to give you the feeling someday, that you know you can trust me blindly. And even if you are doubting the whole world, I wanted to be the one... " he stood up, sat down beside me and put his arm around my shoulder.  
"I wanted to be the one, with which you always feel safe, secure and home. And never have any doubts." He sounded sad and hopeless. Tears were dripping on my hands.  
"I've lost my key." I muttered under my tears. I could hear that he smiled.  
"I've noticed." He pulled me close and gave me a kiss on my head.  
"You can trust me. And deep down you already do." he whispered into my hair.  
  
  
  



End file.
